The Difference Between Saying “I Trust God” and Actually Trusting God

My life has become before my husband, Robert got sick…and after he got sick.

Before Robert got sick, I was essentially a married single mother. We had three small kids under the age of ten, Robert was always working with a schedule that was always changing, and I was a stay at home mom trying to be a substitute teacher around when he was working. Our finances weren’t great, our home life wasn’t great, our marriage was a disaster.

Even my prayer life was terrible. I kept saying, “God, I trust you with my family.” but never truly meaning it. What I was actually saying was “hey God, you are in charge of helping my kids grow to know you, but I’m gonna help you along a little bit. I found this book on parenting and I think it’ll work great!”

More often that not, I thought that if I had everything in order, and organized (don’t get me wrong, I love a good system), that my life wouldn’t be as chaotic as it felt. I always felt like I was falling behind, and like I was never going to be good enough.

I wasn’t good enough. I am still not good enough.

Now, almost a year and a half after my husband was sick with severe pancreatitis and I was stuck wondering if I really would have to be a widowed single mother, I can genuinely say I trust God fully.

I hate to say what it took to get me there, I like to think that I’m a stubborn fool and God has to shake the sense into me…and that’s why I am where I am today.

But regardless of how I got here, trusting God feels different than before.

Our finances are not great, but their fine. We have a roof over our heads, food in our pantry and fridge, and our kids never have to worry where their next meal comes from.

Our family is a unit. It’s not the kids and I with daddy somewhere in the distance. We have weekly family meetings to talk about what’s going on in our lives, what we did right, and what we can work on. We start each family dinner with a prayer and end it with a “popsicle and poopsicle” of the day.

Our marriage is stronger than ever. We love more, we forgive faster, and we fight knowing that we’re on the same team.

I trust God more. Life is still chaotic, but I’m not fighting to get control anymore. I’m learning to live in the chaos, and enjoy the ride while I’m at it.